Cyreks

Today is my twins 9th birthday. People always say "it goes by so fast don't miss it!". Well, I have certainly not missed it. I am confident that I am very involved in my children's lives, which I know in not too long, will probably change. As they enter teen-hood, things will change and they won't want me to be involved as I am now.

Nine years ago, at 8:01 and 8:04 am my babies were brought into this world. They saw the first humans, doctors and parents they had never seen before. Everything was new to the little babies that were used to their little home inside my belly.

My contractions started at midnight. I had no idea they were contractions. I was just in pain in my back. My MIL asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, fully knowing I was in labour. I decided to "get checked out" as I was a full two months early. When we were heading out, she asked if I wanted to go to the local hospital (which I didn't want to deliver in) or to the hospital a bit farther away (that I wanted to deliver in). I decided local as I didn't want to travel the 40 km to be sent home with false labour. Upon arriving, I was injected with many different things, things to inflate the babies lungs, things to postpone labour, IV's and who knows what else.

Then I ended up being shipped to the farther away hospital via ambulance. Wow, what a horrible ride that was. Felt like riding in the back of a pick up truck on the bumpiest road on earth. Once arrived about three am, I had an ultrasound and they determined Baby A was head down, ready to deliver, which likely would have started the labour process. They booked me in for a c-section for seven forty five am.

Now, a lot of the hours between midnight and well into the next evening I don't remember much of, as they gave me a LOT of morphine. I do remember signing lots of paperwork and people arriving to greet these babies. Namely my close family being my sister, grandparents, the ex's parents. The attending OBGYN once came up to me and told me I looked really pale. I must have given him an unbelieving look, as he held his hand against mine and said "Look how pale you are compared to me". Everyone in the room burst into laughter, as he was of african decent and had much darker skin, therefore, anyone would look pale to him! When on the way out the labour room door to head to the OR, I started getting upset and scared. They calmed me down and got me in the OR. Holding me down for my epidural, and finally performing the caesarian section.

At 3 lbs 15 oz and 4 lbs 1 oz my girls were brought to the NICU and taken care of for the first thirty days of their life. I was released four days later, then stayed nearby to be with them. We took them home on their one month birthday.

Now they've grown so much for the tiny infants they were. It's crazy to think that they were soooo small.

Today seems like just about any other day. I've been cleaning and doing laundry and other things of the like. The girls had a friend stay over last night, and she's still here. They're all having a pretty good time. She actually got the girls to put away their laundry without a hitch. I'm hoping things go the same way when it's time to clean their rooms lol

I still have some errands to run, like picking up some booze, paying the rent, getting a gift for the birthday party the girls are attending tonight.

I guess it's time to reflect on the past year...

I suppose a lot has happened.. maybe not a lot, but the things that did happen were big things. I stopped talking to my mother at the end of last year, so now it's been an entire year of it. I started the long never ending process that is Jane. I wrote off my best friend's car. I got laid off and in turn, applied and got accepted to the Self Employment Benefit Program in June, opened in August, and now am a mere three months from completing it.

Yeah, that's about it, like I said the list is small but the items are large.

I am looking forward to 2012, as every new year has new adventures for us. I hope to keep my shop open, enjoy lots of time with friends and family, go to some camps and some car shows, and overall, have a great time.

You will find me at midnight, holding a glass of something-or-other, kissing The Boyfriend. I hope that will be a traditional start to my upcoming new years.

I just realize that my most recent posts are very few and far between. Also, cluttered with nothingness. I will try to fix that, although I cannot guarantee that this post will be a happy one...

Three weeks ago, I was devastated with the news that my ex's aunt died... Now you may think that it shouldn't be a big deal to me... but it is.

See, although we are separated and likely never going to continue a marriage, I am still connected (sometimes fortunately sometimes unfortunately). For the most part, I try to stay out of his business, and I'm sure he tries to stay out of mine. It's not hard really, but sometimes I do need to speak with someone on his side of the family. Usually his mother, as she is a wonderful mother figure to me, and has helped me learn a lot about parenting. Therefore I sometimes ask her advice when trying to understand or figure something out.

I have always also made myself and my kids available to his family. I know, I know, I don't have to do that. They, rightfully, should have to share his time with the girls as I share mine with my family. But I don't mind, as I feel that family is very important and if anyone wishes to visit with the girls and we are available, I will most definitely let them do so. I generally have more time with the girls than he does, so I don't mind sharing sometimes. Once I let his sister take them for a sleepover, his aunt would come by and chat/visit, his mother would come see them etc.

Also, another aunt of his would particularly request the girls on New Year's Eve. This started before he and I separated, and continued afterwards as well. She also asked me about taking them to Great Wolf Lodge, and occasionally texted/emailed me. We had a pretty good relationship. This post is about this person in particular.

Although, we are on opposite sides of the girls family, I still consider her (and many others) family. I don't know how to describe it, extended family or whatever. But family anyways. When you spend 8 years with someone and their family, it's kind of hard to just break those ties.

So as I mentioned earlier, she recently passed away, pretty suddenly. We spoke to the girls about it, they each dealt in their way. We attended the funeral. And you know what, as scared as I was to attend with so many people I consider family, I was scared that they wouldn't feel the same way. For the most part, I didn't have any issues, and I gave the family my condolences, hugs, kisses, and love. I truly feel how wrong it is to have to bury your own daughter. I can only imagine what it would feel like, and I can only feel hurt for her mother as well. Her brother and sisters. Her niece and nephews. Her Great Nieces (my girls). How I hurt for them all.

I feel great sadness that she is gone. She is one of the ones that still made me feel like family, even after we technically weren't anymore. She still talked to me. She always showed great interest and love towards the girls. And although it was three weeks ago I learned of her death, and two weeks ago I attended her ceremony. I still feel it. I see her name here and there, on various social media sites. Some of which I have only recently joined. And I think "Oh I need to friend her" and then I remember. And I become sad again for her.

This New Years Eve will be the firs the girls won't spend with her since they were about 4 I believe. And although I had plans to attend a friends party, I think I may stay home, to make sure it's a special night for the girls still. I don't think I can leave them with a sitter to go out, knowing they may feel the sadness I do when I think that their Great Aunt is not with us any longer, and there will not be any more New Year's Eve's with her. If such a thing was to happen, I think it best that it is me home with them, so we can think of all the happy memories she left with us.

Yup, that about sums up how I feel right about now.

This week has been a bit harder than normal. As my stomach has been bugging me, with extra trips to the bathroom, in which I was mostly lucky to not have been a few seconds later than I was.

And no. I'm not pregnant. If you haven't been keeping up to date with things: This issue is on the other side of the.... spectrum.

On and off stomach pains, on and off bathroom trips, on and off nausea. January 30th cannot come fast enough. I seriously hope that they call me soon because someone cancelled. My luck it will be over the holidays or some equally stupid time.

So I was right at the end of my last post. I seriously regretted googling Crohn's. Like my life isn't hell enough right now, I really don't need a chronic disease on top of it all. I really hope that it turns out to be something that can be treated and gotten rid of. Preferably in a timely manner (because well, it's been a damn year already of suffering) but, hey, a girl can't ask for too much.

Oh, just to add to things right now, on top of being sick. I'm sick. I mean with a cold. With raging chest pains too. About three days ago I got the sniffles. Yesterday I started sneezing uncontrollably along with chest pains. Today a cough has added to the mix, complete with more chest pains. I went and bought some cold pills. I took a nighttime one like three hours ago. I waited on taking it as I thought I might pass out before the kids if I took it too early. But alas, it is past eleven and I am still awake. Probably should take another one.

If you follow me on twitter. Feel free to send some cyber love. And I don't mean in the cyber-sex-i-love-you kind of cyber love. LOL finding me is as simple as @cyreks #LOVE <--- THAT simple (also trying out new xanga settings for @'s and #'s)

If you're my friend, and reading this, any donation and/or delivery of Miso Soup would be amazing right now. And probably for the rest of the week. I'm sure any soup would be great, but I really really loooooveeee miso soup. Last time I was sick I had a bowl and wished my whole fridge was stocked with it.

Lastly, I guess I should mention I have a big tree. It's due to be in my living room, but I don't have the motivation to move it there. My first real tree since... well, since I was a little kid. My ex insisted on a fake tree as that was how he was raised and that's just all she wrote. I can't wait to have it it in the house, and decorate it with the kids... Shit, I hope I have some lights. The fake tree had lights on it (I insisted if I was going to have a fake tree I might as well get a pre-lit to save some hassle).

I believe that should conclude the weekly dose of whining. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed wasting the last five minutes or so of your life.

Seriously. This white shit can bug off already. This is the second time in the past week that the junk has fallen on our heads. Last Thursday I went to see The Schomberg Fair at Sneaky Dee's in Toronto with my good friend Andie. On our way home, I busied myself with dealing with some stuff on the forum I moderate. More than halfway home, I looked up to see this shit all over the place. My friends were in denial, telling me it was "moon dust".

Freaking weirdo's.

lol

Now, again I sit here at the library with pretty much nothing to write. But I've wanted to write all week, and of course, it never comes to me when I sit down.

ThankYouVeryMuch brain.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, off to scouting I go. It's about that time anyway.